Random Thoughts
by The Bard2
Summary: Dawn's inner thoughts on her sister's death at the end of season 5
1. Chapter 1

Title: Random Thoughts  
  
Author: Dawn Worshiper  
  
Email: thesorcererbard@I-am-the-key.com  
  
Rating: PG (one swear word)  
  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and 20th Century Fox own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and everything related to them.  
  
Spoilers: Season 5 episode - The Gift  
  
Authors Notes: This is a set of thoughts from Dawn's mind after the season 5 episode 'The Gift' but before Buffy's funeral.  
  
(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(**)  
  
She's gone.  
  
I still can't bring myself to say she's d-d-d... the d-word, you know the one that means she's gone and never coming back???  
  
Buffy gave her life. For the world. For me.  
  
She gave the only gift she had left to give.  
  
You know what? ...  
  
I think something of me went with her.  
  
She told me to live for her. I'm trying. I truly am.  
  
Every second is a whole new world of hurt.  
  
Buffy's gone and nothing I do will bring her back.  
  
Not even that spell Doc gave me when mom 'left'.  
  
See I still can't say the d-word, even about mom.  
  
She can't be gone for good.  
  
I need her. I need her here. Now.  
  
Willow said she'd try and see if anything could be done, but she wasn't hopeful.  
  
Tara has been like a rock for me.  
  
She told me about her mom.  
  
She said things will hurt for a while but they will get better.  
  
I want to believe her but it's too hard.  
  
Even these thoughts make my heart ache.  
  
Giles has been like someone who has lost his way.  
  
Xander and Anya seem to be handling this better than the rest of us.  
  
Well Xander's missing Buffy, he had known her the longest if only by a few minutes.  
  
And then there's Spike.  
  
Since Buffy died he's been so sad it's depressing.  
  
He hasn't left his crypt since Buffy 'left'.  
  
He says that he's in mourning.  
  
I think I might join him.  
  
I still need Buffy.  
  
I need her now more than ever.  
  
I can feel changes on the horizon.  
  
As the saying goes 'life manages'.  
  
Of course there's another saying that goes 'misery loves company'.  
  
I think this is because when things go wrong they tend to go wrong in a big way.  
  
Buffy's funeral is tomorrow.  
  
I don't want to go.  
  
But I have to go.  
  
She is my sister...  
  
I mean she was my sister.  
  
I need her.  
  
Misery loves company...  
  
That suits the way I feel right now.  
  
Misery...  
  
It may love company but right now I don't care.  
  
Because I'm miserable.  
  
Because she's gone.  
  
She's gone.  
  
Forever.  
  
Excuse me but I need to go and cry now, I think I'm almost out of tears.  
  
All because she's d-d-d-d-dead.  
  
There I said it. Finally.  
  
I read somewhere that death is the natural order of things.  
  
Bullshit.  
  
Life is the natural order.  
  
Death is unnatural.  
  
Oh I know what you're thinking...  
  
Vampires are unnatural...  
  
But you're wrong.  
  
Vampires are supernatural.  
  
Buffy I have a question for you...  
  
How can I live for you?  
  
I don't know how to live without you. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Random Thoughts 2  
  
Author: Dawn Worshiper  
  
Email: thesorcererbard@I-am-the-key.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and 20th Century Fox own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and everything related to them.  
  
Spoilers: Season 5 episode - The Gift  
  
Authors Notes: This is a set of thoughts from Dawn's mind after the season 5 episode 'The Gift' and Buffy's funeral. This builds up for a possible series that covers the time between the end of season 5 and the start of season 6.  
  
(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(** )(**)  
  
She's really gone now. We buried her. We. Tara. Willow. Giles. Xander. Anya. And me. We. It's not right without Buffy. We should always have Buffy in it.  
  
She said to tell Giles she figured it out and that she's okay. I did tell him. I had to. Even though it hurt more than Doc's knife. I had to tell him. I had to tell them all. The look on Spike's face hurt the most. He loved her. With all his soul. Buffy always said he didn't have one. That it was only a chip. She said you can't fall in love with a vampire. She never said a vampire can't fall in love with you. Spike. His heart's broken. And Giles? Giles was proud of you sis. He was so proud. He was also so sad. Willow cried for almost two days straight. Tara is helping her. But it hurts... ...To be near her. ...To be away from her. Xander hasn't cried since the day she died. He just sort of died inside. Anya is still trying to cope with that.  
  
I have to be there for them. I have to be strong for them. I have to take care of them.  
  
Not alone you don't.  
  
Who are you?  
  
That's a tough question. I am Buffy. I am also you. I am also something else altogether.  
  
B-Buffy? W-what do you mean?  
  
The monks. They made you from Buffy. They took her DNA. They took her soul. They took her existence. And they split a bit off and formed it into you. That is why Buffy gave her life for you. That is why you must live. For her. For Giles. For Xander. For Willow. For Tara. For Anya. For your mom. For the world. And most importantly...  
  
...For yourself. 


End file.
